After presenting my song at singing class last month, I was really bummed. I took a huge step outside my comfort zone, tried lots of new things and put myself out there. But I guess somehow it didn’t translate into the video, or wasn’t perceived like that by everyone and one of the feedbacks that I got, was that it was a missed opportunity.
This hit me hard to a point where I questioned if this program still is or ever was for me in the first place. Working on my voice during Sängerschmiede kinda amplifies everything that’s currently going on in my life and it’s been draining my spirits in the last couple of months to a point where quitting actually became an option.
What do do?
The pressure to perform at a certain standards, which are not defined by myself didn’t leave any room for me to just be me and use all my strenghts. I had a clarifying talk with one of the headcoaches and, well first of all decided to continue in the program and that for this month I should do one of my own songs. The goal for this month is to show ourselves, be real and turn a song into our own song, so doing one of my own songs is more than fitting for the theme. This instantly took a lot of pressure off of me and got me started with (a tiny little bit of) ease.
I felt right away that it would be best, to write a new song. I wouldn’t be flexible enough with a song that was already set and since everyone else in my singing class got a song in German, it felt unfair? and not true to the challenge to work on a song in English. But I also had the feeling that it would be nice to write a song in dialect. Mind you, I have no clue about that kind of music. I rarely listen to songs in German, let alone in dialect so this would be a challenge within the challenge.
Being creative again
That I got the opportunity to do one of my own songs also sparked my creative spirits again. After months of just being drained and not having any inspiration at all, it came back to me. I wanted to write, I wanted to create something new out of nothing. This is what I love and want to do. I want to express myself, be me and tell my own stories.
So I started writing. One chorus. Another chorus. Some fragments of a verse. A pre-chorus. Another chorus… The song just didn’t want to come out. My first thought was “Well, it must be the language, writing in dialect was a bad idea”. But that’s not what was wrong. After lots of struggle I realized, that my approach was wrong. The coaches did give me two songs, that I could work on, before we decided on me doing my own, and somehow I got the impression, that this is the kind of song they want to hear from me. So unintentionally I tried to recreate those songs with my own words. But that’s not actually what I want to do. That’s not the story I want to tell. So I started to focus on the story I did want to tell. That is true to me and feels right.
And in doing that, I wrote one of my best songs yet.
Some things I learned
I did have a couple of learnings this month that I want to share with you (besides what is already stated above).
- My story is not meant for everyone. Hearing it is a privilege. (thank you Brené Brown for that learning) If you want to hear my story, I need to trust you and I need to feel safe and seen. When someone is making assumptions about who I am and what I am like but not making the effort to actually listen, it does not create a trustful environment and that’s why they don’t have the privilege to hear my story. (subconsciously this is what I’ve been living by anyway, but I just realized the impact of it)
- I finally know the difference between 7 and maj7 chords. This might sound stupid but I always wondered and even though I’m pretty sure someone already explained it in a workshop (I’m looking at you Elisabeth 😉 ) I never really understood. But while I was writing this new song it all of a sudden made total sense.
- I can do and create amazing things.
Thank’s for reading. Here’s what you came here for 🙂
The song is called “Kann i sein” which roughly translates to “i can be”. For all my non German speaking friends, I hope music transcends language barriers. I try to get a translation to you at a later point.
If you missed the first parts of this series, you can check them out here: